Why I Resist Joy

Because I think it’s dangerous.

Something great happened recently to me. I was really excited, running around shouting, “Thank you, Universe” and generally expressing joy.

I was also feeling very good about myself, seeing that I’d done a lot to release emotional blockages, especially resentment, that had previously prevented this kind of positive event from occurring.

My high spirits lasted for exactly one day. Then an unanticipated aspect of the gift from the Universe surfaced and dimmed my bright glow.

Initially, resentment returned in full force. I wasn’t quite to the point of muttering, “The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away,” but I was moving in that direction.

I managed to shift emotionally and realize that the problem came from how I viewed this modification of the plan. I was reacting the way I do when I open something and see mold. For one very stupid moment, I thought I had to throw away the whole container.

Why this massive overreaction? I had to get quiet inside (if only to shut out the voice of the inner child, who was screaming, “No fair!” Once I got a little more calm, I recognized that even in the midst of my great happiness, another, much more suspicious voice had been whispering, “This is isn’t real.”

That voice told me that I have trouble accepting that something could really be great, that really miraculous things could happen to me once I stopped resisting them.

No wonder I seized on this modification and turned it into a near-fatal flaw. I’d recovered from the “throw it away” impulse. I was now telling myself that if I viewed the situation as imperfect, it had a better chance of happening to imperfect me.

In some cultures, no one ever says a baby is beautiful or perfect because they don’t want evil spirits to hear and do something terrible to the child.

Ancient Greek culture had a concept that was popular in tragic plays: hubris. The online Merriam-Webster dictionary defines this as exaggerated pride or self-confidence. The Greeks considered it a dangerous character flaw that attracted the wrath of the gods. In tragic plays, it was often the shortcoming that led to the fall of the hero.

Usually, the hero’s crime was to try to exceed the boundaries of human limitations and become godlike. The gods inevitably and sometimes fatally reminded the hero of his mortality.

This theme has persisted through literature. The hubris of Victor, the scientist in Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein consists of appropriating the “divine” role of creating life. This leads to his death.

At least, it does in me, as something to avoid. I have had various kinds of relationships with and understanding of what could be called God/Goddess/the Universe, higher power, etc.

These have ranged from a childhood belief that God was a kind of spiritual Santa Claus who knew who was naughty and who was nice to the idea that the exactly right amount and kinds of prayers, affirmations, and sometimes surrender would bring me what I wanted.

My current operating manual is based on the idea that I am connected to a higher power and that I have direct access to its overview and wisdom. My main job is to quiet my ego (which thinks it knows better than anyone), listen, and follow advice.

At least, that’s what I thoughtI was doing, until this recent bump in an otherwise-smooth road. I had to ask myself what beliefs hid in the subtext of the manual.

I discovered that I wasn’t sure that higher power was my friend. What if the Association of Vindictive Deities turned on its hubris detector and decided I need to learn a lesson in humbleness via some form of punishment?

That thought let me know that I’d relapsed back to the childhood “naughty and nice” theology.

I started out thinking I’d gotten a wonderful gift. Then I discovered its flaws, which led me to a deep investigation of the cobwebbed depths of my psyche. That resulted in perhaps an even greater gift.

That gift is what I’ve learned about myself and the world. Having gotten the chance to review my invisible operating system, I’m pretty sure there’s no Santa Claus and also no Association of Vindictive Deities. There’s me being the best person I can be (and frequently reviewing the guidelines) and possibly a higher power that mirrors all that is best in me and also something more.

This might not be a big deal for everyone, but it makes me a lot more relaxed with this whole business of creation.

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