No One Is Gaslighting You

We are using the term ‘gaslighting’ for situations where it doesn’t apply.

Gaslighting is a popular term right now. I see people accusing others of gaslighting all the time. In most of these cases, though, nobody is being gaslit. In most of these cases, no one is being gaslit, someone is just wrong.

Let’s take a look at the formal definition of gaslighting:

And let’s take a look at the titular example of gaslighting:

Now let’s flip this example on its head. What if the husband had not dimmed the gas lights? What if it really was in her head?

Then, of course, the husband’s concern for her perception of the dimming lights would be justified. People who see things that aren’t there need psychiatric help and her husband would be right to be worried about her. The only reason you can say the husband is gaslighting the wife is that, in reality, the lights really were getting dimmer.

In interpersonal relationships, gaslighting often occurs where one person asserts they feel a certain way and the other doesn’t. That’s a pretty clear example of gaslighting; one person has a subjective feeling, the other person tries to deny their subjective feeling.

Both are pretty clear cases of gaslighting. But sometimes, we’re not being gaslit. Sometimes our perceptions are wrong.

Imagine you’re arguing with a partner.

In this argument, nobody is being gaslit, for one important reason: nobody is intentionally denying anyone’s reality. Yes, you both have different perceptions of what just happened, but neither one of you has a claim to an unquestionable, incontrovertible truth. That doesn’t exist here.

However, the following interaction would be gaslighting:

There is an unquestionable truth here (you did think that) and they are denying it. This is gaslighting.

Sometimes even our memories are wrong.

A few weeks ago, I had this conversation with an old friend and a friend of hers…

Is she gaslighting me? No, because we actually did meet in middle school. I was just wrong.

Sometimes people claim gaslighting occurs in a political context. The political examples I often see used for gaslighting, however, are not gaslighting.

Take the above article. The claim “Elizabeth Warren is a charismatic figure” is not an incontrovertible truth. It is an opinion. When the media ‘casts’ Elizabeth Warren as ‘a nagging schoolmarm,’ they are not gaslighting Elizabeth Warren’s existence, they are making the competing claim that Elizabeth is not a ‘charismatic figure,’ but ‘a nagging schoolmarm.’

This is the job of the media in a democratic society when it comes to politics; cover all of the competing claims at play, and help viewers and listeners discern the truth.

It would be gaslighting if every single person crafting the schoolmarm narrative knew without a doubt she was not a schoolmarm, and were intentionally crafting this narrative… but come on. Ockham’s razor, people. What is more likely: a double-digit portion of the population is consciously engaged in a nefarious gaslighting conspiracy to deplatform Elizabeth Warren, or that a double-digit portion of the population just has a competing opinion?

I’m not saying all political accusations of gaslighting are wrong. For instance, Wikipedia has an excellent example of recent political gaslighting:

What makes something political gaslighting? Incontrovertible truth that it isn’t true. Not opinions, not suspicions, completely incontrovertible truth.

Even then, what counts as incontrovertible truth is up for debate. In the above golfing example, what if Trump spent his entire golf day talking with important advisors? What if those conversations made progress for the national debate? In that case, PalmerReport would be the ones who were wrong. From our position as mere citizens with no insider information, we technically can’t know for sure.

I’m comfortable calling that a Trump lie because the White House themselves published Trump’s schedule. But what about when it comes to softer subjects, like feminism? Feminists say sexism is a huge problem in America still today, anti-feminists claim sexism is a here-and-there tragedy, not a pervasive and shaping force in today’s America. You may believe that’s true, you may believe it’s so obvious you can’t believe anyone would question it, but unlike with the gas stove or Trump’s White House schedule, there’s nothing to which we can point to just know. Every (honest) feminist is forced to entertain the possibility, however remote, that we’re wrong.

That’s why most political discourse isn’t gaslighting. For someone to be gaslighting, there can’t be two sides, and rarely is there only one side.

If you want to read more thought-provoking articles like this one, my weekly digest is just the thing for you.

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